feeling fucked
i feel fucked.havent been feeling fucked for some time but this time i just feel so fucked.things on my mind are kinda affecting me and with the new sem already upon me i'd better sort things out quickly.i guess normally when i am fucked i dont really show it cause i dont want pple to know i am fucked-up.i just go on smiling and cracking my lame jokes and eating my chow and oogling at pretty girls but who the hell am i lying to cause when i am fucked,the jokes are stupid(somehow thats normal),the chow are tasteless and the pretty girls i am oogling at dont seem that pretty somehow but i still do so in order to make myself feel less fucked...to sort things out.i guess its just my way of running away from this reality of mine.
speaking to ah kow the other day.the only guy within our grp of four who have yet to be attached(though he's been close and was fucked too).we spent alot of times talking about our love life or rather the lack of it(kinda neglected my friends when i was attached but now i guess i'd know better) after my breakup in april of 04 and he pointed out that it was not too long ago that i said that i had come to terms with singlehood and how i said i was enjoying every minute of it.no one to be responsible to,no one to be committed to,to be able to lead a free and easy life.i pondered for a moment of his words which were spot on but managed to come up with this reply.
"her appearance in my life has made me long for a relationship once more..."
we both fell silent for a while and kept it that way while waiting for ken to try on his clothes.we look at the clothes on the racks or rather pretend to look at them or maybe its just me but i am pretty sure he has something of the same agenda on his mind as well.
i guess thats why i am fucked because the feeling of longing is just fucked up.like knowing that something is there for you to get but no matter how much u try to get it,the ball is not in your court.
and i know that i am fucked because the ball is either punctured or i am having diarrohoa from eating too many tasteless stuff and having to be contented with clearing my bowels while others are playing ball outside.
currently reading this book called "jarhead".its about the life of a marine or jarhead in the USMC(United States Marines Corp)thru the eyes of a former marine and it contains many nice lines to put down as a worthy msn nick but this one just made me sit up and take attention.its about his friend from one of his first units and the girl he has back home.
"...nothing mattered to him in the world except loving his girl......i want to love like that"
shit!why i am writing this?omg!now i am truly fucked!
what the hell...my food better start tasting better soon
posted by haoz @ 1/09/2006 05:16:00 PM
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